Romance Isn't Perfect, Neither Are We
by anotherdayanotherstory
Summary: AU. As they enter their senior year, the girls are trying to remain as close as possible. Emily is struggling with both her sexuality and an eating disorder. Ali is the subject of Emily's affections, but doesn't know it yet. How long will it take for the calm to come after the storm? Trigger warning: eating disorder
1. Chapter 1

"Guys, where's Ali?" Emily asked her friends, eyebrows furrowed.

Emily, Aria, Spencer, Hannah, and Ali had all decided to spend the last night of summer together before their senior year. Hannah insisted they stay at her house, as her mom was away meeting with extended family.

They had spent most of the summer together, Aria and Spencer working on their French skills together, Emily and Ali visiting each other most days, Hannah taking Aria shopping with her and Mona, and all of them doing day trips out to the lake. It had been bittersweet, as they knew college was nearing even more, but they made the best of what they had.

"She went to get the pizza, why?" Aria answered.

"Oh, um, I was just wondering." She blushed.

Aria looked confused, but didn't press further. Ali hadn't always been her favorite, as she didn't care for the judgemental nature that the girl possessed.

"Hey, would you mind if I invited Caleb over?" Hannah asked her friends.

"Will you guys at least keep it down if you do?" Spencer snorted.

The girls laughed, but they all agreed that it was okay, as it was Hannah's house. Hannah had been with Caleb for over a year now, but the two of them were still always attached at the hip. That's how Hannah liked it, and Caleb didn't seem to mind.

Ali returned some time later, holding three stacked pizza boxes. She had grabbed them from the local pizzeria, and the scent filled the room pleasantly.

"Can somebody help me out with these, please?" She called out.

Emily and Spencer got up, each taking a box and placing them on the counter. Hannah grabbed a thing of paper plates and napkins, handing each of her friends one.

Emily was careful, looking for the smallest slice. She chose the vegan slice, without any cheese. She hadn't been eating much at all lately, with a newfound issue about her weight and intake. She hoped no one would notice, as she dabbed the grease off of the pizza when no one was looking.

Each other girl grabbed multiple slices each, laughing about different summer memories they each had. They headed to the livingroom to eat, going against Mrs. Marin's 'no food outside the kitchen rule.' Emily ate her piece in silence, before heading to the bathroom.

Emily cried at her reflection in the mirror, trying to talk herself out of getting rid of the food she just ate. She didn't win, though, and soon she was crying even harder on the bathroom floor. It didn't take long for someone to come to the door. Upon hearing a knock, she climbed up and washed her face and hands.

"Be right out!" She said to whoever was there.

"It's me, Aria. You okay? I thought I heard crying."

"Oh, uh, no. Just washing up." Emily lied.

When she walked out, she was met with Aria's concerned face. She forced a smile and ignored it, walking past her. Aria followed her, trying not to push Emily's comfort zone.

Emily sat between Ali and Spencer on the couch. She saw Hannah cozied up on the floor with Caleb, and Aria took the chair near the entrance way of the livingroom. They all debated what movie to watch, settling for Fast and Furious after some time.

As the movie started, Spencer suggested they heat up bags of popcorn and Emily tensed up. Ali put her hand on Emily's leg, wanting to ask the girl what was wrong. Emily looked down at Ali's hand and froze. She knew she'd had feelings for her since they first met in middle school, but no one even knew what her sexuality was, let alone her desire for Alison. She put her hand over Ali's, and squeezed it as if to say thank you.

Ali and Emily had been sharing little moments. Eye contact that lasted just a secone too long, hand holding out of nowhere, blushes upon compliments. Emily desperately wanted to connect this to mutual feelings, but didn't want to set herself up for disappointment. She had always been rather reserved with these things, not wanting to get her heart broken. She had a boyfriend her sophomore year, but he was gone within a week when she refused to kiss him. She didn't want anyone to know the reasoning behind the break up, because she wanted no questions about why kissing boys wasn't in favor of her liking.

Half way through the movie, Emily still hadn't touched the popcorn. No one thought much of it, so no one said anything. She was grateful for that, as she looked around the room. Everyone was asleep except for Ali and her, but she saw the blonde's eyes growing heavier. She had never t removed her hand, and now she was starting to lean into her shoulder. Emily accepted the closeness, putting her arm around Ali to bring her in closer. She loved the warmth of the other girl, and the perfume she always wore. It was a soft fruit scent, but she never asked exactly what it was. She just let it fill her senses as they watched the scenes of the movie go by.

As the movie ended, Ali had completely fallen asleep on Emily's shoulder. She didn't want to think much of it, but it filled her with peace. She wanted to believe that maybe she had a chance, but how could she when she refused to say anything? If she had to talk to anyone, it would be Spencer, as she naturally gravitated towards her personality. She didn't know how, though, so she kept it to herself to avoid conflict.

She didn't want to move Ali, so she closed her eyes as well, wishing she couldn't smell the popcorn in the room. Her stomach growled as she nodded off to sleep. She didn't know what to do about a lot right now, so she hoped the next day would bring more answers.


	2. Chapter 2

"Em, hey, wake up." Ali whispered.

"Mmm…" Emily mumbled, her eyes staying closed.

"Come on, you bum." Ali giggled, poking Emily's ribs.

Self conscious feelings filled Emily. She knew her ribs were starting to show themselves more. Ali noticed, too, her face falling slightly.

" _Please for the love of God don't say anything."_ Emily thought to herself.

"Let's make breakfast." Ali said, turning to her other friends. They had all woken up before Emily. She figured this was because sleep was the only way her body could compensate for its lack of energy.

"Good idea! I'm starving." Aria said.

" _Sure… you're starving."_ Was the only thing that came to Emily's mind.

Hannah led her friend's to the kitchen, leaving Ali with Emily on the couch. Ali gave Emily a thoughtful look, tucking a strand of the girl's brown hair behind her ear.

"Darling, you can't do this to yourself," Ali started "the pizza, the popcorn, ignoring incessant growls… I _know_ you're hurting."

"I don't know what you mean. I'm fine, see?" Emily said, grabbing the little bit of stomach she had left."

"I can't stop this for you, Em. But, we're going to get you somewhere where _you_ can save _yourself._ "

"I… I can't." Emily admitted. She had been doing this for too long to back out now.

"I will not stand for you doing this. I'm practically watching you kill yourself, and I love you, okay? More than sweet, sweet Paris. I could take you there, you know. But not like this." Ali said softly.

" _Love? Did Ali say love?_ " Emily thought. " _No. Not like that, love. Not the love I feel._ "

"I want Paris with you." Emily said, looking into Ali's beautiful eyes.

"Then we'll work towards your recovery." Ali stated decidingly.

"Okay…" Was all Emily could get out before Ali grabbed her hand, dragging her to the kitchen to find their friends.

Spencer was laying out the stacks of pancakes, hash browns, and fruit. Hannah was flipping bacon in the pan while Aria watched. Caleb was using the shower, leaving Ali and Emily the only ones sitting at the table. Ali held Emily's hand, hoping to provide some comfort. Ali urged Emily towards the food, sliding plates over her way. Emily slowly raised her hand to the fruit, grabbing two pieces of watermelon, cantaloupe, and pineapple.

Ali watched the other girl chew the pieces between her teeth. She felt a sense of pride, watching her conquer even the slightest bit of food. Ali grabbed two pancakes for herself, pouring syrup over them. The other girls joined, laughing and talking about their classes to come. Emily stayed quiet, calculating the calories of the fruit making its way to her stomach. She knew she couldn't leave the table without grabbing the attention away. She felt hollow, yet far too full.

Emily watched Ali engaging with everyone at the table, even with Caleb, who Ali had never really had a liking for. She was amazed by the progression Ali had showed over the years, going from ruthlessly unkind to people from time to time, to being friendly with those around her. Emily was grateful for the change. She had always adored Ali, but she adored the caring version of her much more.

Looking back on how Ali used to be, Emily couldn't quite explain why she had gravitated towards her back then. There was nothing attractive to Emily about being a bully, but she had seen a side to Ali that the others did not. Ali had a soft spot for Emily, even years ago. She was gentle when they were alone, giving her loving hugs and secret hand-holding. She noticed everything, each change in Emily's mood, each moment of pain, every anxiety flare up. Emily appreciated this, but never asked about it.

"Em, are you enjoying your food?" Aria asked, glancing at her from the end of the table.

"Um, yeah. It's lovely. Thanks Han." Emily responded, forcing a smile.

"No need for thanking." Hannah waved her off. "So anyways, guys, I was wondering if you all wanted to go to the mall?"

Caleb sighed, earning a laugh from everyone. The girls agreed to go, though, along with a reluctant Caleb who liked Hannah enough to look past the irritation of shopping.


	3. Chapter 3

Emily didn't mind shopping, especially when Ali was there. She, Ali, and Aria all took off to Charlotte Russe to try and clothing that they liked. Spencer, Hannah, and Caleb were wandering around elsewhere, going into different shops. The girls went through racks of shirts, each picking out a few each to try on. Aria's arms were the most full, holding dresses, shirts, and pants. Ali had picked out a cute pair of shoes to try, along with several shirts. Emily only wanted to try on a couple of shirts, not feeling comfortable enough to try on clothes that she feared wouldn't fit her body right.

When Aria went into the dressing rooms first, Ali took the opportunity to check in on Emily.

"Hey, are you sure you're okay looking for clothes right now? If you aren't, we can leave and do something else."

"Thank you, but I think I'll manage. I'm nervous, but I'm glad you're here." Emily said genuinely.

Ali smiled, resting her hand on Emily's lower back. Emily felt the butterflies in her stomach wake up, fluttering wildly the more she thought about Ali touching her.

"Guys! Does this dress look good?" Aria asked, stepping out of the stall.

Ali shifted her hand away from Emily quickly, stepping to the side more. A blush fell over her pale cheeks. Emily felt the loss of contact immediately, her heart sinking when she realized Ali didn't want to be seen touching her.

" _So much for feelings, huh?"_ Emily thought.

"Yeah, Ar! It looks great. I love the flowers." Ali answered.

Emily nodded in agreement, and Aria stepped back into the stall excitedly.

After Aria was done, Ali went next. She modeled off her outfits of choice, and Aria and Emily praised her. Emily felt nervous, now, not wanting to say the wrong things. Ali looked amazing in all of it, so much so that Emily felt as if her head would explode. She hated the idea of Ali finding out the realities of where Emily's heart was for her. Aria sensed the awkwardness radiating off of the girl, but didn't know how to ask what was going on.

When it was time for Emily to try her things on, she crumbled inside. She _really_ did not want to show Aria or Ali what the shirts looked like on her, feeling as if her stomach didn't look quite right in them. She looked at her arms, and despite the fact that they were truly looking their muscle, she could only imagine fat to be there. When she stepped out of the room to show her friends, she didn't make eye contact with either of them.

"Wow Em, that one is really your style!" Aria exclaimed.

"You look pretty, love." Ali said, trying to find Emily's eyes.

"Thank you." Emily said quickly before returning behind the closed door.

Ali had just called her pretty, and love, in one sentence. This drove Emily's thoughts crazy, but per usual, she didn't want to create something out of nothing. She hoped that, deep down inside, Ali felt what she felt. There was no way of knowing, though, as she could never make a point of saying something.

Emily decided not to try on the other shirt, and removed the one that she had just put on. She looked at her reflection, suddenly shocked by what her appearance had become. Her ribs each stuck out, creating a series of bones down her torso. Her stomach caved in more than it had a couple of months ago. She could finally see her hip bones, something she had originally planned on achieving.

While she wanted to be proud and pleased, Ali's words swarmed her head.

" _What am I doing to myself?"_ Emily said to herself, grateful that no one could see her.

This was not something to be happy about, Emily decided. She knew on some level that Ali had a point about getting help. She certainly couldn't recover from this alone. It had been too long, and she was too dependent on it to just give up all that she had gotten invested in. Whether or not it was negative, she had fallen in love with the feeling of complete control with her eating.

Exiting the changing room, she took the one shirt she was okay with buying and followed her friends to the register. She stood closest to Ali, taking the risk of appearing clingy. Ali accepted the closeness, as she knew this process had been a challenge for Emily internally. She wanted to make the other girl as comfortable as possible.

Ali had come to realize for herself, she was a bit more fond of Emily than she had expected. She didn't like to think about it, but couldn't deny the yearn for Emily that had been there since she could remember. Years worth of denying herself of what the truth was only brought her further discomfort with herself. Now, she was more lost than ever, because the person she was most connected to was falling apart inside and now was _not_ the time for feelings.


End file.
